The Shitty School Bathroom

The most demoralizing thing in today's society to some people is the bathrooms of our schools. Not only are they covered in graffiti, urine, bugs, and other disgusting bacteria that we do not know are there, but they provide some of the most awkward, yet compelling situations.

No one wants to take a crap in the school bathroom. But yet, everyday there are brave risk takers who enter through the gates of the stall. Even in the lunch bathroom, the bathroom is protected by the gatekeeper (the lady who sits on her ass all day watching kids go in out of the restroom). Is that what her job description is? Is our tax money going towards some lady who day in and day out sits on a chair watching our children walk into the bathroom? What purpose does this serve? Tomorrow is she going to hand me paper towels after I walk out? Or do I call her in when I'm done and ask her to clean up after something or me?

Anyway, there are various bathrooms located around the school. But it always ends up that I'm stuck with the kid who ate too many beans for breakfast and decided that he is going to drop cannonball after cannonball into the swimming pool we call the toilet. Not only does it smell horrific, like the gatekeeper who doesn't wear deodorant and smells up the whole lunch room, but it sounds like a concert in there. For god’s sake they need to make these stalls soundproof, someone might bust an eardrum from all that action in there. If someone wants to show everyone what I am talking about, please feel delighted to record a soundtrack and post it on here (if its not on iTunes already).

The most interesting thing you can do in the bathroom, is find out who is in the stall. Occasionally, someone will peek their head and look to see if there is a person in the stall. This is somewhat normal, for males, but by the type of footwear the person is wearing you can tell the type of person they are. You have the kids that wear sketchers and other no name brands. You have the athletic type who wears Nikes and Jordans. And then you occasionally get the dress shoe (teacher maybe?) or the croc (god knows who wears those). But by observing what shoe a person is wearing, you can tell what type of person is "emptying the trash".

The most enjoyable part is when you are in the bathroom and you are lucky enough to witness a person leaving the stall. This is great. If you see one of your friends you can blackmail him and make fun of him until he finds out that you take daily shits in the A-Wing bathroom. But the awkwardness is the part I live for. I thrive in awkward situations if you were not already able to tell. The awkwardness of being there when someone is done taking a shit is the funniest experience of your life. I highly recommend camping out in the bathroom with a few of your friends, waiting for someone to come out.

Even when you're in class you are able to tell when someone takes a shit. A guy leaves the class and comes back a good 20 minutes later. You are able to conclude that he has taken a Grade A crap, and everyone else in the class knows that he was taking one too. You can see the relief on his face when he comes back and his shirt is still tucked into his pants with his zipper open.

Troy Tucker once told me story. In his old school it was a scorching June day, it was at least 100 degrees out and the power had turned off. He was holding in the biggest dump of his life. His stomach was boiling; he could no longer hold it in so he rushed to the bathroom. He explained it as a flash flood, which did more damage than Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans. The worst part about it... no toilet paper.

So the next time you are in the school bathroom, finish your business and observe your surroundings. You never know what could happen. And if you ever need to take a big crap. Two choices. Go to the nurse. Go to the bathrooms by the gym that is always empty and free for use. Be safe out there. And always remember to make sure you have toilet paper before you begin your journey to hell.

Have a good afternoon.

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