Teen Dances

What would you rather do on a Saturday night than go to the local athletic club where they are hosting a teen dance? Who knows, it might be some fun. Maybe if you get lucky you can meet a cute girl.

The above statements are to false as I am to good looking. Besides my stunning looks, none of the above is true. I would much rather sit home by myself, on a Saturday night, and watch Lifetime movies with my grandmother. These dances are fun if you’re a creepy senior who stalks the incoming freshman girls. And if for some reason you choose the wrong path and attend one of these events, the chances that you meet a girl (by girl I mean looks like a female and does not have more facial hair than Osama bin Laden) and she happens to not make my eyes bleed when I look at the hideous mammal that one considers cute, is as slim as most of these girl’s bodies.

Let me describe to you your typical teen dance, in my town at the local athletic club they host dances and other various events. The cost ranges from about 15 to 30 dollars, depending on if you want to comb Sam Adams hair and smell his odor. The general purpose of the dance is for a bunch of ugly dudes to go and meet a bunch of ugly girls. And by “meet” I mean by the end of the night, every person has intermixed his or her saliva with everyone else. It sure is a sight to see, but one that disturbs me and haunts me until this day. You cannot go more than 5 feet without finding some sweaty, large girl sucking face with some sweaty kid. It truly is an excuse for teens that cannot supply themselves with a sufficient amount of pleasure in their love life to go and stick their tongues down the throats of random sluts.

And wait; don’t even get me started on the intermixing of alcohol and a teen dance. I seem to recall an event last year that involved a stabbing at a JCC. What pervert stabs another pervert at a Jewish Community Center? Was the ugly chick that important to you? Or did you want to start a fight in front of all your cool friends who were too busy checking out the butts of the girls who wore clothing that was just a bit too tight and revealing. The addition of alcohol always makes a scene where some kid pukes all over the girl, who might look better with puke on her, and has to be escorted out by security. I would not be surprised about this, but I believe that the spread of mono would fit right into this already beautiful picture.

So to all you teen dance lovers out there who promote all the “hot new clubs” and teen parties, I am not “DOWN TO FOAM” with a bunch of sweaty dudes. I am going to stick to watching Lifetime movies and baking cookies with grandma, because that is what I enjoy doing. I highly recommend it. I also recommend that if you do go to a teen dance, that you scan the females for STDs and disease because you never know what you will find here.

I hope I brought back many fond memories for some people. If not you’re lucky, because at the few dances I have attended I still have nightmares to this day about watching the two hairy children groping and licking each other.

Have a great day.

Follow me on Twitter @jbrills27

I Hate Butts

I was in eighth grade. I was an immature kid who didn't care what the administrative staff said. The principals would lecture on and on about this and that. No one gave a shit. Until the one day when I was dared to touch a girl's ass. No big deal. I would say its an accident. She was a quiet girl, no one would find out.

I did it. I gave her butt a little tap, a tickle at most. If she asked, I was brushing the dirt off the back of her pants. But she didn't notice (at least that's what I thought). A few days later as I proceeded to do go through my eighth grade routine of homework, procrasturbating, and accidental on purpose IMs, my mom came into my room and told me that the principal called her. What could this be about? What did I do?

Little did I know that the next day I would be sitting in a room with the asshole (pun absolutely intended) and the principal. The principal was lecturing to me about how what I did was disrespectful and that I may be suspended for my prior actions.

Excuse me! I, the little nice, cuddly kid, was going to be suspended for putting my hand on a girls butt. What is different about the butt than any other body part. The butts only purpose is to provide a natural cushion for when sitting and to protect the hole that empties the feces. What if I touched her arm? Would I be suspended for that? This whole situation was uncalled for and the girl should be happy that I touched her gluteus.

If I were to have been suspended I would have gone ape shit. I would've ran through the school smacking every moving ass that I saw. I would have pulled my whack-a-mole stick out of my ass and received the high score. Who does the principal think he is to suspend me? I would probably smack his old ass and ask him if that gets me suspended for more days.

So a lesson for everyone out there. No matter how tempting. How big. How juicy. How beautiful. You must resist, because for some reason butts are different than every other body part for some reason and deserve some respect. So if you really need to give someones butt a little tickle or poke, ask them. Because you might never know when you may be suspended for touching a random girl's buttox.

Hope your day is full of many butts.

Follow me on Twitter @jbrills27

The Shitty School Bathroom

The most demoralizing thing in today's society to some people is the bathrooms of our schools. Not only are they covered in graffiti, urine, bugs, and other disgusting bacteria that we do not know are there, but they provide some of the most awkward, yet compelling situations.

No one wants to take a crap in the school bathroom. But yet, everyday there are brave risk takers who enter through the gates of the stall. Even in the lunch bathroom, the bathroom is protected by the gatekeeper (the lady who sits on her ass all day watching kids go in out of the restroom). Is that what her job description is? Is our tax money going towards some lady who day in and day out sits on a chair watching our children walk into the bathroom? What purpose does this serve? Tomorrow is she going to hand me paper towels after I walk out? Or do I call her in when I'm done and ask her to clean up after something or me?

Anyway, there are various bathrooms located around the school. But it always ends up that I'm stuck with the kid who ate too many beans for breakfast and decided that he is going to drop cannonball after cannonball into the swimming pool we call the toilet. Not only does it smell horrific, like the gatekeeper who doesn't wear deodorant and smells up the whole lunch room, but it sounds like a concert in there. For god’s sake they need to make these stalls soundproof, someone might bust an eardrum from all that action in there. If someone wants to show everyone what I am talking about, please feel delighted to record a soundtrack and post it on here (if its not on iTunes already).

The most interesting thing you can do in the bathroom, is find out who is in the stall. Occasionally, someone will peek their head and look to see if there is a person in the stall. This is somewhat normal, for males, but by the type of footwear the person is wearing you can tell the type of person they are. You have the kids that wear sketchers and other no name brands. You have the athletic type who wears Nikes and Jordans. And then you occasionally get the dress shoe (teacher maybe?) or the croc (god knows who wears those). But by observing what shoe a person is wearing, you can tell what type of person is "emptying the trash".

The most enjoyable part is when you are in the bathroom and you are lucky enough to witness a person leaving the stall. This is great. If you see one of your friends you can blackmail him and make fun of him until he finds out that you take daily shits in the A-Wing bathroom. But the awkwardness is the part I live for. I thrive in awkward situations if you were not already able to tell. The awkwardness of being there when someone is done taking a shit is the funniest experience of your life. I highly recommend camping out in the bathroom with a few of your friends, waiting for someone to come out.

Even when you're in class you are able to tell when someone takes a shit. A guy leaves the class and comes back a good 20 minutes later. You are able to conclude that he has taken a Grade A crap, and everyone else in the class knows that he was taking one too. You can see the relief on his face when he comes back and his shirt is still tucked into his pants with his zipper open.

Troy Tucker once told me story. In his old school it was a scorching June day, it was at least 100 degrees out and the power had turned off. He was holding in the biggest dump of his life. His stomach was boiling; he could no longer hold it in so he rushed to the bathroom. He explained it as a flash flood, which did more damage than Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans. The worst part about it... no toilet paper.

So the next time you are in the school bathroom, finish your business and observe your surroundings. You never know what could happen. And if you ever need to take a big crap. Two choices. Go to the nurse. Go to the bathrooms by the gym that is always empty and free for use. Be safe out there. And always remember to make sure you have toilet paper before you begin your journey to hell.

Have a good afternoon.

Follow me on Twitter @jbrills27

That Awkward Erection When...

Every guy has that moment. It happens to the best of us, me personally. There comes a time in a man's life when he is sitting in class, minding his own business. For some reason, no one knows exactly why it happens to them, the clock strikes midnight. And not just the little one you get here or there. I mean the definition of erection. There is a difference between the two words by the way if you didn't know. Of course when this happens you begin to become the most paranoid human being ever to walk the earth.

The thoughts rush like blood to your head, "does someone see", "what should I do?", "do I tuck?". This is normal for males to have this belief system, but it still gets worse. The act of trying to hide this secret from the rest of the class gets your adrenaline pumping. This has now turned into an event. Some people are so good at hiding it that they should make this into an olympic event.

You have a few enemies though. Occasionally if a guy peeks over and sees he won't say anything (he knows what you're going through). But if a girl, or god forbid the teacher catches you... No one lives to speak of what happens to the guy. Poor fellow, just trying to learn some algebra when BOOM! he goes from a little cub into a freaking lion king. I think that's what the movie was about.

Once you tuck though your safe. But even worse then sitting down, is when you have to get up. You feel as if everyone in the class is staring at you, watching your every step and eyeing you down. Luckily,  most people don't get caught in this phase because they are smart enough to stay in their seat. If one is called up to the front of the class, its like farting in class when its really quiet and everyone knows it was you. No one is going to call you out on it, but everyone knows that it happened and in a matter of seconds after class is let out, you are the talk of the town.

So my fellow males, try to avoid these confrontations with the opposite sex for they do not know what we deal with. If anyone is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to such an event please contact me immediately as an interview would be nice. For everyone else, good luck there in this world that we call life. Because you never know when you might strike midnight.

Follow me @jbrills27

Accidentally On Purpose IMs

Trying to talk to that really hot girl a year older? Don't know what to say because you aren't friends with her? Well, I have the perfect solution for you... Accidentally On Purpose IMs.

These IMs are the perfect solution to talking to your dream girl. It doesn't always mean that you are going to go out with her the next day and fuck her brains out, you might not ever talk to her again and might gain the reputation as a creep. But, it does give you the feeling that you are actually talking to a hot girl. You thought this day would never come.

There are though, a few guidelines and steps which you must follow. As an expert of this, there are a few things to do and not do.

1. Do not stalk her and find out what she actually is doing or did.
2. Make sure you ask her a question out of the blue.
3. She will most likely respond "what?" or "?".
4. Then you say, "my bad wrong IM or person".
5. She might say, "haha its ok"
6. If you get lucky, the conversation might evolve into a nice talk with the love of your life.
7. If 6 does not happen, go back to step 1 and start with a new girl.

Here is a typical example of one:
Josh: did you go to the party last night?
Girl: what?
Josh: oh shit, my bad. wrong person lol.
Girl: haha its ok.
Josh: haha kk
Girl: wait, do you wanna hang out tomorrow?
Josh: and fuck?
Girl: yea why not? ;)
Josh: ok sounds good, text me

So for all you girls out there who have received these IMs from me and the various other doers of this act, you will finally realize the reasoning behind it. For all you unlucky prudes out there, this might be your only chance at even talking to a hot girl (besides tutoring her in math). So good luck, and remember, if it doesn't work the first time, fuck it and do it again.

You're welcome.

Suck My Nipple

Me. A girl. My nipple.

The sensation of a man's nipple getting sucked is not physical pleasure. The physical act of your nipple being suckled on is like wiping your ass with toilet paper. Why she sucked my nipple is her issue. My pleasure was from the gossip.

I was the hero of the party. I could hear people saying, "Did you hear that she sucked on his nipple?"

It was truly an experience that for the five seconds it happened for, I was intrigued. The event did not even turn me on ever so slightly. To be brutally honest, it felt like my tit was a piece of gum and she was chewing on it ever so lightly.

So thank you nipple sucking female, for that odd occurrence. It was truly appreciated. Regressing to my earlier analogy, me as the ass, thanks you for wiping.